I have never done so much in two days, except for maybe the Utah trip.
I’ll start on Friday – I went in to my temp assignment for my last day and was given the “go home” because there was nothing to do. So I went home and tried to go back to sleep for a few hours knowing I would have a tiring weekend. Got a few extra hours and then I packed. Jeanette picked me up at 5:00pm and we drove to Cardston; we got there in record time - only 2 hours. We stayed with Brad’s sister, who lives across the parking lot from the Temple.
Jeanette and I went for a walk to the Temple grounds and chatted about all the crap that had been going on – all the temptation and bad feelings from the adversary. When we came back to the house, Brad and Joel arrived shortly after. Brad gave me a blessing to calm my nerves and just really give me some peace. At around midnight, I went out and sat on a bench in front of the Temple and enjoyed the beautiful night God had provided me – it was absolutely calm and clear – no wind at all. I got about 2 hours of sleep sporadically and was woken up at 5:00am by Brad’s mom, who was getting ready to start her day at the Temple (she works there).
Saturday: So the actual Temple Experience wasn’t as scary or as fast as I expected it to be. As I went through my washing and anointing, I really felt I was ready to make and keep these covenants with my Heavenly Father. I really felt forgiven for all the things I've done and I felt clean for the first time in a long time. I walked in to the beginning of the session and everyone was waiting for me. Christine, Dad, and Gail came and sat with us. It was so good to see Christine there, I wasn’t sure she would show up with all the stuff we still have to get through. The session was pretty straight forward - it was about the creation – just deeper and more information about it. It made so much more sense than ever before. When I came through the veil, they made sure all my family and friends were already through. It was so amazing it experience that, it really felt as if I was coming home.
Then after, we did some sealing’s for Jeanette’s family, this was really cool. I was a proxy for two of the daughter’s of her family. Daryl Nilsson, my old high school teacher, and Bishop / Stake President was the Sealer. We ran into Carol Nilsson and Inger Schaufert in the change room on the way to have lunch in the Cafeteria. After that, we went and saw Grandma Bunnage and Aunt Sybil at the Cardston Villa’s. Cousin Linda and her family were there as well, I haven’t seen her in 12 years; her family has grown so much she has 6 kids now.
After all that, we went to the Distribution Center and bought my garments, and then we went to the Bookstore and Brad bought me a LA Temple recommend case. Then we drove back to Strathmore to Jeanette's for a BBQ. Joel drove me home at 12:30 am.
Sunday: Joel & I had quite the discussion on Saturday night; he basically said he still has feelings for me and it makes it really hard because I don’t feel that way about him. He can’t provide for himself, let alone for a family. Maybe those are silly reasons but they are very important factors right now. I don’t expect perfection but the effort has to be there and I don’t even see that. He is a great guy. Maybe some day he will be the guy I want, but he has some challenges ahead of him. His testimony is so weak, he said he felt like he was talking to a brick wall when he prays – what do I say to that?? I can’t give him his testimony.
Sometimes I think he feels like if he could only have me, all his problems and issues would go away but I don’t have that kind of power. I don’t want him to depend on me like that. I can’t give him his salvation and redemption; he has to put in the effort himself. I feel bad every time I say these things to him, I feel like he wants me to solve his problems and I can’t be the solution. He needs to have these things resolved before he tries to bring something new into his life.
Marriage is a huge deal and I know he doesn’t realize this from what he says. It isn’t just about commitment, it’s about being ready and satisfied with yourself and he isn’t there yet.
Anyway Enough for now.