Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Random Thoughts .....

So I'm sitting here at work and completely bored out of my tree.

Why not continue my story I thought to myself, so here it goes.... I was reading an interview Hearts and Sleeves did with Andrew and was nicely surprised by some of the things he said. Firstly, they (something corporate) fund all their own shows while touring. They are not tied to any 'political' corporations, hence the ironic band name. I thought this was quite fascinating and very true to his form. He really doesn't like any one having control over his craft, and why should he. It makes me wonder how he's really handling this battle with Cancer; I know from my experience, it can be extremely frustrating purely because of the loss of control you can feel. He seems to be pretty strong and even tempered, but there have to be moments when he just wants to scream. I hope he has understanding family and friends, more so I hope they understand when he goes quite and introspective.

My mother seemed to shut herself out of the world some days, I noticed it because it was all I was doing. I remember turning quiet and contemplative myself and staying there. Even now I love being on my own and away from the constant noise of others. I sometimes wonder if I've become shy or if I'm just unwilling to be social. I feel I really don't need the company of others and this is taken in negative ways, like I've gone depressed or something, but that isn't it, I just don't want to force a conversation about nothing important. The weather is not a fascinating conversation piece for me.

Sometimes, I wish I could write all this down in a poetic way. I just remembered I have once, it's called 'my life compared to the river', I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere in my collection of stuff. It's mostly likely in my journals from when I was younger; I wrote it when I was only 18 years old. (Sorry that bit was me thinking out loud.)

Any way, I remember sitting beside a river at a time when it felt as if the world was crashing down around me. The river was rushing over the rocks and broken down trees and then calmed almost immediately after into a still pool and then continued on its way. It was a strange analogy of me, how in life there are uncontrollable rushing times and then in a blink you are calm and still, a plateau if you will. I love these moments when things are still but I was know there is something huge on the horizon, some major conflict whether internal or external. These moments I cherished because it seems I don't get very many of them. Such a strange feeling, to look back and see a mountain range, full of peaks and valleys.

As I look forward, I am blinded by the sun and I can't see what's ahead. I would love to see just a little, a few steps ahead so I could prepare, but alas it doesn't work that way. Blind into the future, only to learn the same lessons over again, or brand new ones. I'm not sure which is scarier. At least if it's something familiar I'll have a better idea of what not to do. I guess you don't progress if you just make the same bad decisions over and over again. What a strange tangent this is, I started talking about how Andrew must be feeling and ended up here at what I've been through so far in my short life. It's crazy, when I take the time to write it all in point form; it seems to be far too much for such a short amount of time.

Here's a quick run down with ages, if I can remember. I'm not really positive on this time line and the order, but here goes:

  • 11 years old - Mom diagnosed with breast cancer,
  • 13 years old - Aunt died of leukemia,
  • 14 years old - Cousin killed in car accident, collision with a drunk driver,
  • 15 years old - Best friend killed in car accident, collision with drunk driver,
    16 years old - Mother dies of Cancer after 5 year battle,
  • 17 years old - Father remarried to Wicked Witch of the West,
  • 18 years old - Father finally divorces above mentioned witch, news given to me on my birthday,
  • 20 years old - I get married to boy I meet in a bar after knowing him 4 months and file for divorce after 7 months of marriage disaster in December,
  • 21 years old - have a baby girl from above marriage, Kyra Janae, and meet future husband number two,
  • 22 years old - have baby boy, Riley David, with above mentioned future husband and marry husband number two,
  • 23 years old - file for divorce from husband number two in December.
  • 24 years old - finally feel free of all bad decisions and circumstances and officially start my single life.

Hence why I feel all used up in my short life span. My father has remarried again, but this time he chose a really great woman. She doesn't try to erase my mother from my memory, nor did she clean out our house of all remaining remnants of her. She just tries to be my friend, and for that effort she is rewarded with my friendship. She can sometimes be too honest, but only because sees me with outside eyes, which are much clearer than anyone within my family. My father is happy again and for that I am happy for him.

As for me, I think I may just be too hard to handle for any man, my impatience continually gets the best of me and my stubbornness always seems to win. The simply fact that time on my own is my favorite, may also be my downfall. All I can truly say, if there is a even tempered man who can dodge the objections I will throw at him, and soften my hard edges, then that is the man for whom I am longing for. I am not looking for him; he will need to find me. He will have the strength of character to sweep me off my feet even though I am kicking and screaming. Once he calms me down, I will give him my heart forever; and I will feel complete and whole again. He will help me understand the world I live in and make it better and I will see through his eyes what I've been missing all this time.

What a wonderful dream... this is my only wish for my self and I don't think it's too much to ask.

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