Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Wow ! What a Weekend

I have never done so much in two days, except for maybe the Utah trip.

I’ll start on Friday – I went in to my temp assignment for my last day and was given the “go home” because there was nothing to do. So I went home and tried to go back to sleep for a few hours knowing I would have a tiring weekend. Got a few extra hours and then I packed. Jeanette picked me up at 5:00pm and we drove to Cardston; we got there in record time - only 2 hours. We stayed with Brad’s sister, who lives across the parking lot from the Temple.

Jeanette and I went for a walk to the Temple grounds and chatted about all the crap that had been going on – all the temptation and bad feelings from the adversary. When we came back to the house, Brad and Joel arrived shortly after. Brad gave me a blessing to calm my nerves and just really give me some peace. At around midnight, I went out and sat on a bench in front of the Temple and enjoyed the beautiful night God had provided me – it was absolutely calm and clear – no wind at all. I got about 2 hours of sleep sporadically and was woken up at 5:00am by Brad’s mom, who was getting ready to start her day at the Temple (she works there).

Saturday: So the actual Temple Experience wasn’t as scary or as fast as I expected it to be. As I went through my washing and anointing, I really felt I was ready to make and keep these covenants with my Heavenly Father. I really felt forgiven for all the things I've done and I felt clean for the first time in a long time. I walked in to the beginning of the session and everyone was waiting for me. Christine, Dad, and Gail came and sat with us. It was so good to see Christine there, I wasn’t sure she would show up with all the stuff we still have to get through. The session was pretty straight forward - it was about the creation – just deeper and more information about it. It made so much more sense than ever before. When I came through the veil, they made sure all my family and friends were already through. It was so amazing it experience that, it really felt as if I was coming home.

Then after, we did some sealing’s for Jeanette’s family, this was really cool. I was a proxy for two of the daughter’s of her family. Daryl Nilsson, my old high school teacher, and Bishop / Stake President was the Sealer. We ran into Carol Nilsson and Inger Schaufert in the change room on the way to have lunch in the Cafeteria. After that, we went and saw Grandma Bunnage and Aunt Sybil at the Cardston Villa’s. Cousin Linda and her family were there as well, I haven’t seen her in 12 years; her family has grown so much she has 6 kids now.

After all that, we went to the Distribution Center and bought my garments, and then we went to the Bookstore and Brad bought me a LA Temple recommend case. Then we drove back to Strathmore to Jeanette's for a BBQ. Joel drove me home at 12:30 am.

Sunday: Joel & I had quite the discussion on Saturday night; he basically said he still has feelings for me and it makes it really hard because I don’t feel that way about him. He can’t provide for himself, let alone for a family. Maybe those are silly reasons but they are very important factors right now. I don’t expect perfection but the effort has to be there and I don’t even see that. He is a great guy. Maybe some day he will be the guy I want, but he has some challenges ahead of him. His testimony is so weak, he said he felt like he was talking to a brick wall when he prays – what do I say to that?? I can’t give him his testimony.

Sometimes I think he feels like if he could only have me, all his problems and issues would go away but I don’t have that kind of power. I don’t want him to depend on me like that. I can’t give him his salvation and redemption; he has to put in the effort himself. I feel bad every time I say these things to him, I feel like he wants me to solve his problems and I can’t be the solution. He needs to have these things resolved before he tries to bring something new into his life.

Marriage is a huge deal and I know he doesn’t realize this from what he says. It isn’t just about commitment, it’s about being ready and satisfied with yourself and he isn’t there yet.
Anyway Enough for now.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Oh My Goodness ... What Craziness

Good Morning,

To say I'm exhausted is an absolute understatement.

Friday night, I finally got to sleep at 5:30am'ish and was awake at 8:44am. Carla and James, who live downstairs, had a yard sale. I put in my Vacuum Cleaner and my Black night side shelve and got $55.00, not bad! ! ! Then in the afternoon, Christine and I spent a few hours with Kyra. I hadn't seen her since Brody's blessing in April 2005. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected. I finally told her I was moving and she was so quiet in her reaction. She said she wasn't angry, just really sad that I was leaving Calgary. She asked if she could come visit me, I said she would have to wait until she was 16 yrs. and then her Dad and I would talk about it. We went for lunch and went shopping a little at Market Mall. I bought her a shirt from Old Navy and Christine bought her a diary. I think she had fun, I know I did.

After we took her home, Christine told me she couldn't be my Escort at the Temple. Apparently, she had told me in our conversation on Monday night, but I thought she had changed her mind on Tuesday morning when she called me back at 7:30am. Anyway, I'm going to ask Jeanette if she will, I really wanted her in the first place but didn't want to insult Christine.

My sister has caused me more problems than anyone else involved in this. First, she couldn't come when had it planned so I was going to change the date, then she changes her mind about that, except now she wants me to change the time to accommodate her. You would think that this event would be important enough that she would work around me and not the other way around. Oh well, at this point who ever shows up, I'll be happy, Joel is still going to drive me down if I want. I'm calling Jeanette this morning to see what her plans are because I think she is going down on Friday and staying in Lethbridge. That would make everything much easier - the trip in the morning would be a lot shorter and I could go at 10:30am - accommodating Christine's plans. Speaking of which, last night I went to see President Miller and had our little chat and I'm good to go - both signatures. My home teacher and his wife (Jon and Dana Adams) took me up to the Stake Center. I've always really liked Dana, she and I can relate to each other and that is always nice. Also, I sang "Oh, My Father" in Relief Society for Karen Raymer's lesson, about Eternal Marriages. It went surprisingly well, considering I perfected it after sacrament meeting. I shook so bad by the end of the song, I could barely stand. I managed to keep my composure at the end of the 3rd verse - "I've a mother there". I'm so happy we made the last verse the key change, I can compose my self better in the higher ranges.

The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride - up and down, back and forward.

Yesterday morning, while getting ready for church, I was self - talking myself out of going to the interview, let alone my temple date. I almost had I myself convinced that life would be easier without the Lord in my life. I should correct myself here and say - Satan almost had me convinced. I really need to stop owning what he says in my head as mine - it is not mine. It’s hard to know and decipher what’s mine and what isn’t, because it’s all in my head and he wants me so bad.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Progress ...

Well, it's been a few weeks now and some things have changed.

I'm moving on September 9, 2006 instead of October 28, 2006. I just didn't see any reason to stay for 6 weeks and have nothing to do. I'm going to the Temple on September 2, 2006 with Dad, Gail, Christine, Jeanette, Brad, Joel and maybe a few others. I'm so excited to finally be here in this place of peace with myself and my actions. I have written Riley a letter and one for Dave - Mailed them Today.

I'm going to visit Kyra on Saturday with Christine - I'm expecting a lot of hard questions from her. I will try to explain why I can't be the full time Mother she wants me to be and maybe give her some closure. I want her to happy with the family she's got because they're great and Erin is a wonderful mother and she needs to let her be that with her.

I feel good about my decisions and where I am now compared to where I was even a few weeks ago. I feel like I've finally made the commitment to keep getting better and progressing forwards instead off falling back so far that I need to start over.

It's interesting, I've had an epiphany of sorts - every time I'm feelings down and unworthy -- it's not me creating those feelings -- it's Satan and his team. He is trying so hard to keep me from where I need to be and he knows how to make me feel in order to succeed in his goals.

I hope I remember this the next time I have those feelings.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

My Current Goals .....

So yesterday, last night and this morning while waiting to get up, I couldn't get all the things I need to do out of my head. So I decided I need to make an official list. So here it is:

1. I will to pay my debts.

2. I will be strong against temptation.

3. I will to save some money for my move at least $500.00.

4. I will deal with my anger management issues - I'm on the road with taking the YWCA Group sessions and Dr. Tingle.

5. I will to pay my tithing, every pay check.

6. I will get my passport to take with me.

7. I will read before praying and going to bed at night.

8. I will read the Miracle of Forgiveness instead of watching TV until I'm finished reading it.

9. I will work out in the morning or at night for at least 20 minutes.

10. I will eat healthy everyday - not matter what.

You can do these things, because you are stronger than you feel. God will help you if you ask him.
I think these are achievable goals if you really put your mind to it.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

No Real New Developments

On Monday, I went to see Dr. Tingle, it was an awesome session. It is so nice to have someone who understands my reasons for leaving Kyra and Riley with their dads. Unlike my family, she doesn’t think I am selfish and self-serving. She agrees with dad about writing letters to try to explain why I left them and why I don’t keep in better contact. So I wrote two letters and we will go over them again next session, then I will send them. This is kind of scary, but it will be so good to know they will, at the very least, have something of an understanding of why. They will at least know I loved them and wish I could be better.

We also talked about my temper issues and better ways to control myself, instead of trying to control situations and other people involved. I’ve always realized that I need to control me and not everything (one) else around me. She suggested an Anger Management group to go to, so tonight I have an information session. I think it would be awesome to get this under “control” before I leave, it will make the transition so much easier. It will also make me a nicer, more pleasant person to be around.

New Subject: My job is still going well, but I’ve been slacking a little and it was noticed. So I have to get back to focusing better and working at work. I’m still ahead of the game though, so I think I’m still good to go about my contract being extended until I leave, provided there is enough work to keep me busy.

That’s all for now,


Monday, July 31, 2006

Things are Going My Way

So, on Saturday, I finally called Uncle Mike and asked him if I could say with him until I find a place of my own. He said he would be happy to help me out and I could stay as long as I needed to. I don’t know why I was so scared to call him, but now that it is done, I feel so much better. I just filled out my application for a passport, which I hope I can get up here. It will be so much easier to already have it and not have to worry about it.

Uncle Mike also said there are a lot of jobs in downtown LA and that business is booming there, so I shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a job. YEAH ! ! !

Anyway, life seems to be going really well right now, I hope it stays that way for a while.

Dad wants me to write a letter to Riley and Kyra before I go to the Temple and before I leave. I think this is a good idea, I just don’t know what to say to them. Dad thinks I need to apologize to them, but I’m not sure that is what they need to hear. I don’t want to imply any promises, because I want to keep them where they are. Riley will most likely understand this better than Kyra, because he hasn’t seen or heard from me since he was 3 years old; Kyra has. I know she wants promises and so does Ian, but I’m not willing to comply too his conditions.

Anyway, tonight, I’m going to see Dr. Tingle again, so I will discuss this with her and get her insight and help. I’m not sure how to put my true feeling into nice terms so it doesn’t to more demand than it already has.

Enough for now,


Friday, July 28, 2006

New Post for a New Year?

Good Morning,

Not really sure where this is going yet, but here goes .... I decided to start this journal, partly 'cause it's the only site my work hasn't blocked and it's easier here than anywhere else. We'll see if I keep it up better than my Paper Journal !!

I need a place to write all the crap in my head so I can think a little clearer and fit more crap in, I guess.

Today, I'm feeling ancy, I'm finally getting really excited to move to LA. I booked my flight with WestJet on Wednesday -- I leave on Saturday, October 28, 2006 at 11:10am and get there at 13:38 pm - who knew it was such a short flight. I still haven't called my Uncle Mike, who I want to stay with while I'm there or at least until I find a place on my own and get a job. The goal is to call him this weekend sometime - but I keep putting it off 'cause I'm scared. I haven't spoken to him since Mom died and that was about 17 years ago. What a crazy thought by it self, it feels like it wasn't that long ago.