Oh My Goodness ... What Craziness

Good Morning,

To say I'm exhausted is an absolute understatement.

Friday night, I finally got to sleep at 5:30am'ish and was awake at 8:44am. Carla and James, who live downstairs, had a yard sale. I put in my Vacuum Cleaner and my Black night side shelve and got $55.00, not bad! ! ! Then in the afternoon, Christine and I spent a few hours with Kyra. I hadn't seen her since Brody's blessing in April 2005. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected. I finally told her I was moving and she was so quiet in her reaction. She said she wasn't angry, just really sad that I was leaving Calgary. She asked if she could come visit me, I said she would have to wait until she was 16 yrs. and then her Dad and I would talk about it. We went for lunch and went shopping a little at Market Mall. I bought her a shirt from Old Navy and Christine bought her a diary. I think she had fun, I know I did.

After we took her home, Christine told me she couldn't be my Escort at the Temple. Apparently, she had told me in our conversation on Monday night, but I thought she had changed her mind on Tuesday morning when she called me back at 7:30am. Anyway, I'm going to ask Jeanette if she will, I really wanted her in the first place but didn't want to insult Christine.

My sister has caused me more problems than anyone else involved in this. First, she couldn't come when had it planned so I was going to change the date, then she changes her mind about that, except now she wants me to change the time to accommodate her. You would think that this event would be important enough that she would work around me and not the other way around. Oh well, at this point who ever shows up, I'll be happy, Joel is still going to drive me down if I want. I'm calling Jeanette this morning to see what her plans are because I think she is going down on Friday and staying in Lethbridge. That would make everything much easier - the trip in the morning would be a lot shorter and I could go at 10:30am - accommodating Christine's plans. Speaking of which, last night I went to see President Miller and had our little chat and I'm good to go - both signatures. My home teacher and his wife (Jon and Dana Adams) took me up to the Stake Center. I've always really liked Dana, she and I can relate to each other and that is always nice. Also, I sang "Oh, My Father" in Relief Society for Karen Raymer's lesson, about Eternal Marriages. It went surprisingly well, considering I perfected it after sacrament meeting. I shook so bad by the end of the song, I could barely stand. I managed to keep my composure at the end of the 3rd verse - "I've a mother there". I'm so happy we made the last verse the key change, I can compose my self better in the higher ranges.

The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride - up and down, back and forward.

Yesterday morning, while getting ready for church, I was self - talking myself out of going to the interview, let alone my temple date. I almost had I myself convinced that life would be easier without the Lord in my life. I should correct myself here and say - Satan almost had me convinced. I really need to stop owning what he says in my head as mine - it is not mine. It’s hard to know and decipher what’s mine and what isn’t, because it’s all in my head and he wants me so bad.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Progress ...

Well, it's been a few weeks now and some things have changed.

I'm moving on September 9, 2006 instead of October 28, 2006. I just didn't see any reason to stay for 6 weeks and have nothing to do. I'm going to the Temple on September 2, 2006 with Dad, Gail, Christine, Jeanette, Brad, Joel and maybe a few others. I'm so excited to finally be here in this place of peace with myself and my actions. I have written Riley a letter and one for Dave - Mailed them Today.

I'm going to visit Kyra on Saturday with Christine - I'm expecting a lot of hard questions from her. I will try to explain why I can't be the full time Mother she wants me to be and maybe give her some closure. I want her to happy with the family she's got because they're great and Erin is a wonderful mother and she needs to let her be that with her.

I feel good about my decisions and where I am now compared to where I was even a few weeks ago. I feel like I've finally made the commitment to keep getting better and progressing forwards instead off falling back so far that I need to start over.

It's interesting, I've had an epiphany of sorts - every time I'm feelings down and unworthy -- it's not me creating those feelings -- it's Satan and his team. He is trying so hard to keep me from where I need to be and he knows how to make me feel in order to succeed in his goals.

I hope I remember this the next time I have those feelings.

My Current Goals .....

So yesterday, last night and this morning while waiting to get up, I couldn't get all the things I need to do out of my head. So I decided I need to make an official list. So here it is:

1. I will to pay my debts.

2. I will be strong against temptation.

3. I will to save some money for my move at least $500.00.

4. I will deal with my anger management issues - I'm on the road with taking the YWCA Group sessions and Dr. Tingle.

5. I will to pay my tithing, every pay check.

6. I will get my passport to take with me.

7. I will read before praying and going to bed at night.

8. I will read the Miracle of Forgiveness instead of watching TV until I'm finished reading it.

9. I will work out in the morning or at night for at least 20 minutes.

10. I will eat healthy everyday - not matter what.

You can do these things, because you are stronger than you feel. God will help you if you ask him.
I think these are achievable goals if you really put your mind to it.

No Real New Developments

On Monday, I went to see Dr. Tingle, it was an awesome session. It is so nice to have someone who understands my reasons for leaving Kyra and Riley with their dads. Unlike my family, she doesn’t think I am selfish and self-serving. She agrees with dad about writing letters to try to explain why I left them and why I don’t keep in better contact. So I wrote two letters and we will go over them again next session, then I will send them. This is kind of scary, but it will be so good to know they will, at the very least, have something of an understanding of why. They will at least know I loved them and wish I could be better.

We also talked about my temper issues and better ways to control myself, instead of trying to control situations and other people involved. I’ve always realized that I need to control me and not everything (one) else around me. She suggested an Anger Management group to go to, so tonight I have an information session. I think it would be awesome to get this under “control” before I leave, it will make the transition so much easier. It will also make me a nicer, more pleasant person to be around.

New Subject: My job is still going well, but I’ve been slacking a little and it was noticed. So I have to get back to focusing better and working at work. I’m still ahead of the game though, so I think I’m still good to go about my contract being extended until I leave, provided there is enough work to keep me busy.

That’s all for now,

R