This is my Horoscope today ....

April 18, 2007

Aquarius (1/23-2/22)
One of your favorite older relatives is learning a new way of communicating with you, and the process may require a great deal of your patience! Help this family member along with encouraging words, and offer a few pointers on making the transition as seamless as possible. Also make sure to say how much you appreciate the extra effort that this person is expending simply in order to keep up with what is going on in your life.

....... I just invited my family to my blog -- How Creepy!!!!

Comment from my Dad --

"This is weird for me to. I have never signed onto a blog before. I am glad to finally hear from you. Tell me more about your schooling. I understand that it will be online. this is different."

** My Dad is so classic - I love hime to pieces!! ♥

Mark Ryden .... & .... Questionable Equations

This post is about a great artist I found through another blog I read, his name is Mark Ryden. He Is Amazing .... http://www.markryden.com/ eveyone should check it out.

Here is my favorite: http://www.markryden.com/paintings/index.html you have to click the links b/c all his work is copyrighted, of course!!

I Bought A New Camera ...

Here are some samples .....

I took this picture outside my office building, we have these lovely flower gardens which surround the building. They were just so pretty!












Here is another one I took .....
This I took at the Santa Monica Pier. There are so many beautiful plants and flowers there.
Do you see the Bee??











Here is one I took of the LA Temple ... I really like the angel on this one.
The LA Temple is such a beautiful building and the grounds are amazing .....
















This is the fountain ...















These are some of the Flowers .... Aren't these gorgeous?
















Pretty Cool Huh??

Update! ...

So it's been a while since I've written, I've been really busy and just haven't had time. I just set up a new way of doing this and I'm trying it out.

This is just an update on what's happening in my life, 'cause we all know how good I am at this. Two majors have changed: First, I moved to a new place with one roommate. My lease ended and the two girls I was living with went their separate ways, one got married and the other graduated and moved to San Francisco for a job. I was not interested in being responsible for the lease and getting new roommates, so I moved. It is only temporary, I have found a great place with even better roommates but I have to wait until the end of June to move in, so I found a sub-lease for the time being. Both are with LDS girls and much nicer than the place I was at and with cheaper rent!

Second: I found a better job and started March 26th, so I've been here a couple of weeks and it is already better. The position is NOT reception, YEAH!!!. We all know how much I love being on the phone, so this is much nicer. I am working for a Retail Shopping Mall development company called "Macerich". It is the second largest retail development company in the US, so the room for growth is enormous. I work in the environmental department as an Associate Assistant to the Manager of Environmental, I know long title but it’s a title. I actually have things to do --- All Day. At the last job, I was sitting waiting for the phone to ring because I was too efficient and they didn’t have enough work for me. The pay is great, $ 37,500.00 per year and room to move. There are also stock options, company shares, and great benefits, which kick in immediately, not like in Canada where you have to wait your 3-6 months probation period. So Nice!!

I’ve also started socializing with the Single Group here. They’re a nice group and I’ve actually made some new friends. This has been a little weird, having to go back out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. I’ve never considered myself as shy but in this situation, I just wait it out until I have almost become a hermit, then I go, put myself smack in the middle of it and go completely crazy. I’m really going to try not to do that this time and just be myself, ‘cause I’m a pretty great girl.

Any way, that’s what’s happening here. The weather is beautiful, a little overcast today, but still warm.

Oh, I finally bought a laptop, it’s a Toshiba Satellite and an All-in-one printer/scanner and I’m finally starting online school in May. YEAH!!!!!! My paycheck allows me to pay for it as I go.
Things are coming together and it’s all good.

Life from my Vantage Point

I want more out of this life I'm livin',
I need a change, happiness can't find me here.
I'm tired of being sad, of always being down,
How can this be all I have to offer,
How can this be all I get to be.

There's more out there for me -- I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.

When I look back from this point,
I know where I've grown, but into what?
I see where I've been, steps I've taken,
The circles I've been around & 'round,
Mistakes made, lessons learned,
But where have they gotten me?

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.

The tears keep comin' in the dark, in the light,
Still, I don't know why they're here.
It's been so long since you left to your new life,
Left me behind - here all alone with out a clue
how to live, how to love, how to go on.

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.
More than you got.

I'm trying so hard .....

..... to keep up with writing every day (or other day), but it's so hard without my own computer.

I'm not doing very well on the missionary schedule, which I haven't even started yet. This morning I got up at 6:30am and got to work at 8:00am -- a whole 1/2 an hour early. It's better than getting there at 8:25am like usual (I start at 8:30am). It was nice to have a few minutes to myself before taking the phone off night ring and starting my so-called day. Alas, I have nothing to really do today as Rick (my supervisor) isn't here. He and I had a conversation yesterday regarding my lack of tasks to keep me busy. He is trying to come up with some new things so I'm not bored. I get things so quickly that he, or anyone else in the office, can't keep up with me.

So I thought -- why not enter a blog --

I am doing well with reading the Book of Mormon though, I should give myself some credit. I have been reading on the way to work and home from work on the bus ride. I have 1/2 hour in the morning and 1 - 1 1/2 hours on the way home. I'm reading about 3 chapters a day and I started in Mosiah, which I don't think I have ever read on my own. Even in Seminary and Institute, I never read on my own, I only read in class. I've never studied the Book of Mormon or any of the scriptures. So now is as good a time as any.

On to new subjects -- I am moving in April to a new home,my current roommates are both moving out because the lease is done and Rachel is getting married and Jen is graduating and moving to Berkeley. The new place is closer to work and much nicer than the place I'm in now. My room is a great sized room with my own FULL bathroom and my own heater, double closets. It has new carpets and nicely painted walls, a new kitchen, is on a QUIET street -- no more Fire trucks at 3:00am-- and with roommates my age -- YEAH!!!!!

Their names are Heather and Joy, Heather is a member and Joy is still thinking about it, she is trying to find a Christian Church to join where she feels welcome and a part of the congregation. I don't know if she has actually been to church with Heather, but maybe when I get there we can go together. Also, I think I may change wards and go with Heather to the family ward she attends. She says their are a group of single adults in her ward and that would be so nice to finally make some friends who are keepers.

I'm going to the Dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned and get my filling re-done. Also going to get X-Rays to find out how much it will cost to get my wisdom teeth removed. I'm hoping they can just pull them instead of having to put me under. I might still go to see a Dentist I have in my ward, Dr. Alex Mathiessen, he is with UCLA Dental Care and he might be able to just extract them for me. We'll see what happens, I just really want them out !!!!

That's all for now --

R

Profound Moments . . . .

I thought I might recall some of my more profound comments from this blog (Andrew's Blog) which got me started on my own blog. These entries are important because I related so well to this guy. He is a singer in a favorite band of mine and he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (Cancer) in August of 2005. I used his blog in a sense as therapy for dealing with my own mother's battle and eventual loss to Breast Cancer when I was 16 yrs. old in 1989.

Here are some of my comments . . . .

August 2, 2005 --
It always amazes me how we can find out just how strong we really are when faced with such challenges. I was just listening to ‘Bruised’ and I may have a new favorite, it’s weird though, I had the blog site stream on in the background and it seemed to fit as background noise. It gave me some chills :)

I agree about the world around us being in constant circular motion, funny thing is it never stops for us to catch up. I always thought the title ‘Everything In Transit’ meant the transition our lives go through as it changes with or without our knowledge or permission. Everything sometimes seems to end up completely opposite of where we would want it until we are there, in the thick of it, and realize this is where we should have been headed all along.
I know, a very long thought, 'but it’s true, for the most part'.

August 13, 2005 --

There are a few comments here requesting you write a book, well I agree; although, I think it should be a book of poetry. The way you put words together in a sentence is pure eloquence. There is so much said using so little words, what you say indirectly is easily conveyed.
It seems you are coming around a very long bend in this road you are on and the sun is shining and sky is clearing. The warmth is enveloping you and the smiles are true. Enjoy this feeling of triumph, for it will only get stronger as your body starts to heal and once again work properly. It is true, these trials in our lives can hold us down if we let them, the trick, however, is to not. For every bad and negative experience, the lessons can be 100 fold if we embrace them and learn what we can. I know you know this; it is evident in yours words and presentation. Keep this attitude; it is what makes you strong.

Your words have inspired me greatly, more than I can convey.

December 21, 2005 --
Oh, the sound of a humming dryer, it is glorious and somewhat transfixing. You can slowly go into a wonderful trance while listening to a dryer do its work. The scent of the drying clothes is quite mind numbing as well.

The holidays are my favorite and least favorite time of year. Living in Calgary, Alberta, we get extremely cold weather, so winter 'anything' is not a favorite. However, this year, it seems we may have a brown Christmas with temperatures above freezing. It’s absolutely marvelous. If I haven’t been completely clear --- I abhor cold weather, snow, ice and wind chills. I don’t know if anyone really enjoys these elements of our atmosphere, some just tolerate it better than I do.
Christmas is a great excuse to spend real time with family and friends you don’t get to see very often. Not that we should need an excuse, but it’s a great one. I’m lucky this year in that I don’t have to travel very far.

Plastic trees are the best, you can have them up longer then real ones and there aren’t any needles to clean up later. Did you know they have plastic trees scented with evergreen now?? This seems crazy and cool at the same time. Mine is plastic with White lights,and Silver and clear decorations.

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This is just something my friend Kya Woodruff forwarded to me and I thought he might enjoy and appreciate --

“Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough"

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom"

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?"
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said.

"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?" She began to smile "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory --
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye." She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE..... I WISH YOU ENOUGH...
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This is Just Too Funny . . . .

Catching Up .....

So, I guess I’m not doing very well with this writing everyday thing. I always have been bad at it.

Any way, life goes on.

Since my last entry, several things have happened. First and foremost, I moved to Los Angeles, California finally. I live in West Hollywood and work in Santa Monica, which isn’t as far as you might think seeming how they are two cities within the city of LA. I work about a half hours drive from home on a good traffic day. I work at an Architectural Consulting firm as a Project Administrator, which is really a glorified receptionist. Some days it’s great, others, not so much. (It’s weird every time I use the phrase – “not so much” I think of the show ‘Mad About You’ and Paul Riser – thought I would put that silly little tidbit in there). I’ve been there a month and I feel as if I don’t much yet and they don’t trust me with any actual responsibility. Hopefully that changes and soon; I don't what I’ll do if it doesn’t, it pays really well and it has potential if they would just utilize my skills and strengths. My fellow co-workers are pretty nice but it seems they are cautious; my position has had 4 girls in it in the past year and 3 of them were temps so they haven’t really welcomed me into the fold, so to speak.

Any way, life is good most days, I haven’t really made any lasting friendships, but I also haven’t really tired. I go to the UCLA ward in the chapel behind the LA Temple. It’s very nice living so close to the Temple and no I haven’t taken full advantage to being so close. My ward is a combination of young married and first year UCLA students. Our Bishop (Loveless) is a great man. It’s weird I don’t really fit in there, but feel completely out of place in the family ward, but I keep going. It’s not the people; it’s the spirit I’m looking for. I’ve started reading the missionary handbook – ‘Preach My Gospel’. I’m going to try living as if I were a missionary with those same standards. I realize I should already be doing this, but I haven’t, so my making a game of it. My schedule will only change slightly but the contents of said schedule will be very different. I’m going to try to get up earlier so I can say my prayers, workout out at least ½ hour and then study the handbook with the scriptures, have breakfast, then get ready for work, go to work, come home, have dinner, and then study some more before going to bed. I think if I surround myself with good works and thoughts, it will make being righteous easier – I hope. I still have a hard time with it because I’m not doing everything I can and in my power like I promised I would. Things get out of control so fast sometimes that I don't catch myself until it's almost too late and I don't want that to happen again.

I also have selfish reasons -- I want a relationship with a man, I want to get married again, in the Temple, and I feel like I won't have the opportunity unless I am being the kind of girl (woman) that worthy LDS men want. I need to be who I want. Does that make sense??

Enough for now ; )
R

Wow ! What a Weekend

I have never done so much in two days, except for maybe the Utah trip.

I’ll start on Friday – I went in to my temp assignment for my last day and was given the “go home” because there was nothing to do. So I went home and tried to go back to sleep for a few hours knowing I would have a tiring weekend. Got a few extra hours and then I packed. Jeanette picked me up at 5:00pm and we drove to Cardston; we got there in record time - only 2 hours. We stayed with Brad’s sister, who lives across the parking lot from the Temple.

Jeanette and I went for a walk to the Temple grounds and chatted about all the crap that had been going on – all the temptation and bad feelings from the adversary. When we came back to the house, Brad and Joel arrived shortly after. Brad gave me a blessing to calm my nerves and just really give me some peace. At around midnight, I went out and sat on a bench in front of the Temple and enjoyed the beautiful night God had provided me – it was absolutely calm and clear – no wind at all. I got about 2 hours of sleep sporadically and was woken up at 5:00am by Brad’s mom, who was getting ready to start her day at the Temple (she works there).

Saturday: So the actual Temple Experience wasn’t as scary or as fast as I expected it to be. As I went through my washing and anointing, I really felt I was ready to make and keep these covenants with my Heavenly Father. I really felt forgiven for all the things I've done and I felt clean for the first time in a long time. I walked in to the beginning of the session and everyone was waiting for me. Christine, Dad, and Gail came and sat with us. It was so good to see Christine there, I wasn’t sure she would show up with all the stuff we still have to get through. The session was pretty straight forward - it was about the creation – just deeper and more information about it. It made so much more sense than ever before. When I came through the veil, they made sure all my family and friends were already through. It was so amazing it experience that, it really felt as if I was coming home.

Then after, we did some sealing’s for Jeanette’s family, this was really cool. I was a proxy for two of the daughter’s of her family. Daryl Nilsson, my old high school teacher, and Bishop / Stake President was the Sealer. We ran into Carol Nilsson and Inger Schaufert in the change room on the way to have lunch in the Cafeteria. After that, we went and saw Grandma Bunnage and Aunt Sybil at the Cardston Villa’s. Cousin Linda and her family were there as well, I haven’t seen her in 12 years; her family has grown so much she has 6 kids now.

After all that, we went to the Distribution Center and bought my garments, and then we went to the Bookstore and Brad bought me a LA Temple recommend case. Then we drove back to Strathmore to Jeanette's for a BBQ. Joel drove me home at 12:30 am.

Sunday: Joel & I had quite the discussion on Saturday night; he basically said he still has feelings for me and it makes it really hard because I don’t feel that way about him. He can’t provide for himself, let alone for a family. Maybe those are silly reasons but they are very important factors right now. I don’t expect perfection but the effort has to be there and I don’t even see that. He is a great guy. Maybe some day he will be the guy I want, but he has some challenges ahead of him. His testimony is so weak, he said he felt like he was talking to a brick wall when he prays – what do I say to that?? I can’t give him his testimony.

Sometimes I think he feels like if he could only have me, all his problems and issues would go away but I don’t have that kind of power. I don’t want him to depend on me like that. I can’t give him his salvation and redemption; he has to put in the effort himself. I feel bad every time I say these things to him, I feel like he wants me to solve his problems and I can’t be the solution. He needs to have these things resolved before he tries to bring something new into his life.

Marriage is a huge deal and I know he doesn’t realize this from what he says. It isn’t just about commitment, it’s about being ready and satisfied with yourself and he isn’t there yet.
Anyway Enough for now.
R

Oh My Goodness ... What Craziness

Good Morning,

To say I'm exhausted is an absolute understatement.

Friday night, I finally got to sleep at 5:30am'ish and was awake at 8:44am. Carla and James, who live downstairs, had a yard sale. I put in my Vacuum Cleaner and my Black night side shelve and got $55.00, not bad! ! ! Then in the afternoon, Christine and I spent a few hours with Kyra. I hadn't seen her since Brody's blessing in April 2005. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected. I finally told her I was moving and she was so quiet in her reaction. She said she wasn't angry, just really sad that I was leaving Calgary. She asked if she could come visit me, I said she would have to wait until she was 16 yrs. and then her Dad and I would talk about it. We went for lunch and went shopping a little at Market Mall. I bought her a shirt from Old Navy and Christine bought her a diary. I think she had fun, I know I did.

After we took her home, Christine told me she couldn't be my Escort at the Temple. Apparently, she had told me in our conversation on Monday night, but I thought she had changed her mind on Tuesday morning when she called me back at 7:30am. Anyway, I'm going to ask Jeanette if she will, I really wanted her in the first place but didn't want to insult Christine.

My sister has caused me more problems than anyone else involved in this. First, she couldn't come when had it planned so I was going to change the date, then she changes her mind about that, except now she wants me to change the time to accommodate her. You would think that this event would be important enough that she would work around me and not the other way around. Oh well, at this point who ever shows up, I'll be happy, Joel is still going to drive me down if I want. I'm calling Jeanette this morning to see what her plans are because I think she is going down on Friday and staying in Lethbridge. That would make everything much easier - the trip in the morning would be a lot shorter and I could go at 10:30am - accommodating Christine's plans. Speaking of which, last night I went to see President Miller and had our little chat and I'm good to go - both signatures. My home teacher and his wife (Jon and Dana Adams) took me up to the Stake Center. I've always really liked Dana, she and I can relate to each other and that is always nice. Also, I sang "Oh, My Father" in Relief Society for Karen Raymer's lesson, about Eternal Marriages. It went surprisingly well, considering I perfected it after sacrament meeting. I shook so bad by the end of the song, I could barely stand. I managed to keep my composure at the end of the 3rd verse - "I've a mother there". I'm so happy we made the last verse the key change, I can compose my self better in the higher ranges.

The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride - up and down, back and forward.

Yesterday morning, while getting ready for church, I was self - talking myself out of going to the interview, let alone my temple date. I almost had I myself convinced that life would be easier without the Lord in my life. I should correct myself here and say - Satan almost had me convinced. I really need to stop owning what he says in my head as mine - it is not mine. It’s hard to know and decipher what’s mine and what isn’t, because it’s all in my head and he wants me so bad.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Progress ...

Well, it's been a few weeks now and some things have changed.

I'm moving on September 9, 2006 instead of October 28, 2006. I just didn't see any reason to stay for 6 weeks and have nothing to do. I'm going to the Temple on September 2, 2006 with Dad, Gail, Christine, Jeanette, Brad, Joel and maybe a few others. I'm so excited to finally be here in this place of peace with myself and my actions. I have written Riley a letter and one for Dave - Mailed them Today.

I'm going to visit Kyra on Saturday with Christine - I'm expecting a lot of hard questions from her. I will try to explain why I can't be the full time Mother she wants me to be and maybe give her some closure. I want her to happy with the family she's got because they're great and Erin is a wonderful mother and she needs to let her be that with her.

I feel good about my decisions and where I am now compared to where I was even a few weeks ago. I feel like I've finally made the commitment to keep getting better and progressing forwards instead off falling back so far that I need to start over.

It's interesting, I've had an epiphany of sorts - every time I'm feelings down and unworthy -- it's not me creating those feelings -- it's Satan and his team. He is trying so hard to keep me from where I need to be and he knows how to make me feel in order to succeed in his goals.

I hope I remember this the next time I have those feelings.

My Current Goals .....

So yesterday, last night and this morning while waiting to get up, I couldn't get all the things I need to do out of my head. So I decided I need to make an official list. So here it is:

1. I will to pay my debts.

2. I will be strong against temptation.

3. I will to save some money for my move at least $500.00.

4. I will deal with my anger management issues - I'm on the road with taking the YWCA Group sessions and Dr. Tingle.

5. I will to pay my tithing, every pay check.

6. I will get my passport to take with me.

7. I will read before praying and going to bed at night.

8. I will read the Miracle of Forgiveness instead of watching TV until I'm finished reading it.

9. I will work out in the morning or at night for at least 20 minutes.

10. I will eat healthy everyday - not matter what.

You can do these things, because you are stronger than you feel. God will help you if you ask him.
I think these are achievable goals if you really put your mind to it.

No Real New Developments

On Monday, I went to see Dr. Tingle, it was an awesome session. It is so nice to have someone who understands my reasons for leaving Kyra and Riley with their dads. Unlike my family, she doesn’t think I am selfish and self-serving. She agrees with dad about writing letters to try to explain why I left them and why I don’t keep in better contact. So I wrote two letters and we will go over them again next session, then I will send them. This is kind of scary, but it will be so good to know they will, at the very least, have something of an understanding of why. They will at least know I loved them and wish I could be better.

We also talked about my temper issues and better ways to control myself, instead of trying to control situations and other people involved. I’ve always realized that I need to control me and not everything (one) else around me. She suggested an Anger Management group to go to, so tonight I have an information session. I think it would be awesome to get this under “control” before I leave, it will make the transition so much easier. It will also make me a nicer, more pleasant person to be around.

New Subject: My job is still going well, but I’ve been slacking a little and it was noticed. So I have to get back to focusing better and working at work. I’m still ahead of the game though, so I think I’m still good to go about my contract being extended until I leave, provided there is enough work to keep me busy.

That’s all for now,

R

Things are Going My Way

So, on Saturday, I finally called Uncle Mike and asked him if I could say with him until I find a place of my own. He said he would be happy to help me out and I could stay as long as I needed to. I don’t know why I was so scared to call him, but now that it is done, I feel so much better. I just filled out my application for a passport, which I hope I can get up here. It will be so much easier to already have it and not have to worry about it.

Uncle Mike also said there are a lot of jobs in downtown LA and that business is booming there, so I shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a job. YEAH ! ! !

Anyway, life seems to be going really well right now, I hope it stays that way for a while.

Dad wants me to write a letter to Riley and Kyra before I go to the Temple and before I leave. I think this is a good idea, I just don’t know what to say to them. Dad thinks I need to apologize to them, but I’m not sure that is what they need to hear. I don’t want to imply any promises, because I want to keep them where they are. Riley will most likely understand this better than Kyra, because he hasn’t seen or heard from me since he was 3 years old; Kyra has. I know she wants promises and so does Ian, but I’m not willing to comply too his conditions.

Anyway, tonight, I’m going to see Dr. Tingle again, so I will discuss this with her and get her insight and help. I’m not sure how to put my true feeling into nice terms so it doesn’t to more demand than it already has.

Enough for now,

R

New Post for a New Year?

Good Morning,

Not really sure where this is going yet, but here goes .... I decided to start this journal, partly 'cause it's the only site my work hasn't blocked and it's easier here than anywhere else. We'll see if I keep it up better than my Paper Journal !!

I need a place to write all the crap in my head so I can think a little clearer and fit more crap in, I guess.

Today, I'm feeling ancy, I'm finally getting really excited to move to LA. I booked my flight with WestJet on Wednesday -- I leave on Saturday, October 28, 2006 at 11:10am and get there at 13:38 pm - who knew it was such a short flight. I still haven't called my Uncle Mike, who I want to stay with while I'm there or at least until I find a place on my own and get a job. The goal is to call him this weekend sometime - but I keep putting it off 'cause I'm scared. I haven't spoken to him since Mom died and that was about 17 years ago. What a crazy thought by it self, it feels like it wasn't that long ago.

Memories of Youth . . . .

Today, I’m feeling sad, and I’m not having a very good day.

First, I woke up late because my alarm was turned down somehow, so instead of waking up at 5:30 am, it was 6:20am and I’m supposed to leave for work at 6:45am. So this left me with 25 minutes to get ready including a shower. Somehow I made it to work on time. This didn’t start my day off very well and I’m very tired, I didn’t sleep very well last night, who knows why, just didn’t. I’m even having a hard time collecting my thoughts, at time point, to write this.
Second, now I’m sitting here at work and I have nothing to do but think about how boring the day will be. I’m not looking forward to this because my mind keeps falling to Andrew McMahon. He is going into the hospital today for a preparation for a Bone Marrow Transplant. He will have the surgery in the end of August; I can’t help worrying about him. I have so many negative experiences with this disease, he, however, is being amazingly positive about this.

In his blog yesterday, he was focusing on the album being released and how that chapter of his life is finally coming to an end. He is looking forward to the response of this collection of music. He was talking about how the world spins and continually turns and comes back to itself leaving us wondering how we got to where we are.
“It's amazing to watch how this world is constantly moving in circles. Giving and taking and giving back again. That’s what ‘everything in transit’ is about, the constant motion of this world. In a lot of ways these past few months have reminded me of that motion.”
He really is an inspiration to all those, including me, who have the blessing of having him share this part of himself. I truly have not been affected by a singer/songwriter before. I mean music has always been very important to me but his words and the way his melodies work just change me.

Just Rambling ....

Today I’ll start off by saying; I’m not really sure where this entry will go. I say this because most of my blogs have gone in a different direction than originally thought.

Last night I had a conversation my dad regarding my lack of memories of ages 12 – 15 years of age. I really only know things happened, but I don’t actually remember them. For example, I know my aunt died of Leukemia and my cousin was killed in a car accident, but I don’t remember the funerals or my reactions to these events.

Apparently, my aunt died only 6 weeks after my cousin was killed and my mom underwent her second round of chemotherapy during all this. This of course could explain why I don’t have memories attached to these events; with the entire trauma going on all at once, I imagine I was very overwhelmed being only 13 years old, according to my dad’s timeline. It still frustrates me though; I want to remember no matter how traumatic. I don’t remember anything at all, not even the friends I had and what we did for fun. I don’t remember school either, I know which teachers I had, because I have pictures, but even those pictures don’t spark any recollection.

Dad told me last night, when I was 12 years old; our family went on a trip to California to see my mother’s family in San Diego, and Riverside. I have very spotted memories of this trip; I guess we drove down from Calgary, AB down through Utah and over to Oregon, then down the coast of California. I remember going to one of my relatives home and playing billiards with my uncle and swimming in their outdoor pool. I remember there was a heat wave going on and the temperature was 115 degrees Fahrenheit. The pool was the only thing to cool me off. I remember I spent hours in it just sitting the water being too exhausted from the heat to really swim. My sisters were too young, by my parent’s standards, to not be supervised by the adults who were quite content to stay inside under the air conditioning. We also went to Laguna Beach that trip. This I have proof of. I have a picture of myself and my littlest sister sitting in the water letting the waves come up over us; it looks like we’re both happy and screaming about it. This is strange to me though, because I am deathly afraid of large bodies of water where I cannot see the bottom, also of sharks. So the fact I am sitting in the Pacific Ocean and having what seems to be fun is a bit perplexing.

I have bits and pieces regarding the summer of age 14. I remember I went to a summer camp with Young Women's and all the girls I went to school with were there. We went to the Kananaskis Country and camped by a river in tents. Now, I am by no means an outdoors kind of girl, so camping in a tent in the middle of nowhere was never fun of me. I remember I had brought all my makeup, hair products, and smelly stuff with me. Now pay attention, I’m in the wilderness with all the animals and critters that come along with this environment, so smelly stuff, not the smartest thing to bring with me.

Long story short, a lovely black bear decided to come for a visit to our camp. He proceeded to rampage through all our tents and food cupboards while we were on our hike. We come back to this scene of horror and discover he has bitten through my bag, ripped open all my smelly stuff and strewn this all over our tent and made quite the mess. So we had to then stay in the camp kitchen on site, where while I am trying to go to sleep a mouse runs across my face and down my chest. Screaming, of course, I jump up and wake up everyone else. I do not sleep that night or for the rest of the trip in fear of a re occurrence of previous events.

Needless to say I do not like camping. Trauma … trauma … trauma. It seems to follow me around as if I’m its target. I can admit I should not have brought all that smelly stuff with me, but was the bear really necessary??

Any way, that's all for now. Although, maybe more later today as I'm really bored and have lots going on in my mind.

He Really Can Spark My Memories

So last night I was listening to Andrew McMahon of Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin on KROCK2 Hack'd and that boy just absolutely tore my heart out. Most of the songs he played brought back so many memories of growing up and having music in the house at any given moment. When he played 'America' by Simon and Garfunkel, I cried. Simon and Garfunkel were my mother's favorite group. I remember listening to the Album 'Bridge over Troubled Water' and falling in love with their sound and lyrics. Then Andrew played 'God Only Knows' by The Beach Boys and explained how that record, "Pet Sound's" changed his life. Our house was full of The Beach Boys, my mother being a California Girl; I have a hard time hearing them as well. That song is so beautiful and sweet it would melt any girls’ heart.

Then he made me laugh by saying how boring he was and I was thinking hardly. I thought he was absolutely entertaining and genuine, I'm glad he was having fun too. I wonder if he recorded this show before he got sick or after. I just posted that question on the 'The Messengers' forum, so we'll see.

Any way, it's really interesting to me how easily I can relate to this guy and not even know him on a personal level.

That's all for now.

Random Thoughts .....

So I'm sitting here at work and completely bored out of my tree.

Why not continue my story I thought to myself, so here it goes.... I was reading an interview Hearts and Sleeves did with Andrew and was nicely surprised by some of the things he said. Firstly, they (something corporate) fund all their own shows while touring. They are not tied to any 'political' corporations, hence the ironic band name. I thought this was quite fascinating and very true to his form. He really doesn't like any one having control over his craft, and why should he. It makes me wonder how he's really handling this battle with Cancer; I know from my experience, it can be extremely frustrating purely because of the loss of control you can feel. He seems to be pretty strong and even tempered, but there have to be moments when he just wants to scream. I hope he has understanding family and friends, more so I hope they understand when he goes quite and introspective.

My mother seemed to shut herself out of the world some days, I noticed it because it was all I was doing. I remember turning quiet and contemplative myself and staying there. Even now I love being on my own and away from the constant noise of others. I sometimes wonder if I've become shy or if I'm just unwilling to be social. I feel I really don't need the company of others and this is taken in negative ways, like I've gone depressed or something, but that isn't it, I just don't want to force a conversation about nothing important. The weather is not a fascinating conversation piece for me.

Sometimes, I wish I could write all this down in a poetic way. I just remembered I have once, it's called 'my life compared to the river', I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere in my collection of stuff. It's mostly likely in my journals from when I was younger; I wrote it when I was only 18 years old. (Sorry that bit was me thinking out loud.)

Any way, I remember sitting beside a river at a time when it felt as if the world was crashing down around me. The river was rushing over the rocks and broken down trees and then calmed almost immediately after into a still pool and then continued on its way. It was a strange analogy of me, how in life there are uncontrollable rushing times and then in a blink you are calm and still, a plateau if you will. I love these moments when things are still but I was know there is something huge on the horizon, some major conflict whether internal or external. These moments I cherished because it seems I don't get very many of them. Such a strange feeling, to look back and see a mountain range, full of peaks and valleys.

As I look forward, I am blinded by the sun and I can't see what's ahead. I would love to see just a little, a few steps ahead so I could prepare, but alas it doesn't work that way. Blind into the future, only to learn the same lessons over again, or brand new ones. I'm not sure which is scarier. At least if it's something familiar I'll have a better idea of what not to do. I guess you don't progress if you just make the same bad decisions over and over again. What a strange tangent this is, I started talking about how Andrew must be feeling and ended up here at what I've been through so far in my short life. It's crazy, when I take the time to write it all in point form; it seems to be far too much for such a short amount of time.

Here's a quick run down with ages, if I can remember. I'm not really positive on this time line and the order, but here goes:

• 11 years old - Mom diagnosed with breast cancer,
• 13 years old - Aunt died of leukemia,
• 14 years old - Cousin killed in car accident, collision with a drunk driver,
• 15 years old - Best friend killed in car accident, collision with drunk driver,
  16 years old - Mother dies of Cancer after 5 year battle,
• 17 years old - Father remarried to Wicked Witch of the West,
• 18 years old - Father finally divorces above mentioned witch, news given to me on my birthday,
• 20 years old - I get married to boy I meet in a bar after knowing him 4 months and file for divorce after 7 months of marriage disaster in December,
• 21 years old - have a baby girl from above marriage, Kyra Janae, and meet future husband number two,
• 22 years old - have baby boy, Riley David, with above mentioned future husband and marry husband number two,
• 23 years old - file for divorce from husband number two in December.
• 24 years old - finally feel free of all bad decisions and circumstances and officially start my single life.

Hence why I feel all used up in my short life span. My father has remarried again, but this time he chose a really great woman. She doesn't try to erase my mother from my memory, nor did she clean out our house of all remaining remnants of her. She just tries to be my friend, and for that effort she is rewarded with my friendship. She can sometimes be too honest, but only because sees me with outside eyes, which are much clearer than anyone within my family. My father is happy again and for that I am happy for him.

As for me, I think I may just be too hard to handle for any man, my impatience continually gets the best of me and my stubbornness always seems to win. The simply fact that time on my own is my favorite, may also be my downfall. All I can truly say, if there is a even tempered man who can dodge the objections I will throw at him, and soften my hard edges, then that is the man for whom I am longing for. I am not looking for him; he will need to find me. He will have the strength of character to sweep me off my feet even though I am kicking and screaming. Once he calms me down, I will give him my heart forever; and I will feel complete and whole again. He will help me understand the world I live in and make it better and I will see through his eyes what I've been missing all this time.

What a wonderful dream... this is my only wish for my self and I don't think it's too much to ask.

A Thought Gone Wild ....

Well this is my "first attempt" at blogging. Firstly, what a strange name choice for basically online journaling. I guess I'm just reaching out in to the vastness of the electronic world. I actually got the idea to start my own blog from Josh Partington of Something Corporate and Firecape. For anyone who doesn't know these bands - you should - they are both awesome. Unfortunately for Josh he comes in a very close second to my inspiration - Andrew McMahon of Something Corporate and Jacks Mannequin - again, if you don't know these bands - you should. Andrew is the lead vocalist of Something Corporate and Jacks Mannequin. His lyrics inspire me to look deeper and examine my reactions to the situations I have found myself in either by my own choice or by 'fortunate circumstance' - hence the blog title. It's very strange how this all came about; I stumbled across Something Corporate on an Internet radio site - idobi.com.

Anyway, they've only been in my CD collection for 3 1/2 years. I bought 'North' first and fell in love with that tenor voice mixed with the sweet sounds of an acoustic piano, amazing guitar riffs and the strong bass lines. When I first heard the piano, I was pleasantly shocked. It didn't sound like anything I had heard before which is why I loved it so much. Then the lyrics started to become clear, those words went deep and emotions I had been very successful in numbing came back to life. I felt a rush, no a surge that completely over took me and I cried. I cried for 3 very long hours. Truthfully, I don't even remember which song it was that started the waterfall that day, but I haven't been able to re-close up the dam. He has a tattoo on his wrist that states - 'The River is Everywhere.' It's from a book which I will look up later. This statement reminds of the day and every day since then. I'm not saying I've cried every day since, but the emotions are very close to the surface and are very hard to control.

Within two weeks I bought 'Leaving Through the Window' and all hell broke loose, the rains came down again and this time it flooded all the valleys and crashed through every possible obstacle. I was now face to face with all my demons, skeletons, and hidden books of despair. I was standing over this great lake it had created and was being pushed in head first. On the way down I accepted this fate and took a deep breathe and was immediately consumed by anger, hurt, and ultimately sadness for all the time and energy spent holding back these feelings.
I guess I should let you in on what happened to produce such immense feelings. When I was 11 years old, my parents came home from the doctor's office, sat my sisters and I down in the living room and told us our mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and that she was going in to surgery in 3 days to have her left breast removed and she would be starting chemotherapy 2 days after. My father had taken the load of telling us and my sweet mother sat there as strong as she could be, her face blank and looking down. I remember this because I had never seen her in state before. She always seemed happy even when you knew she wasn't.

Anyway, she had the surgery and we thought everything went well, the doctors were beyond optimistic. She started the chemo as scheduled and proceeded to become weak, tried, and eventually started to lose her hair. She didn't let this get her down; she was still upbeat and happy to have a second chance. Then, a year later in the winter, she slipped on an ice patch outside our house and falling she bruised her ribs. My father took her back to the hospital; they took x-rays and found it ... Everywhere. It was in all major organs except her heart and her lungs, her doctor hung his head as he broke this news to her and my father.

This time at 12 years old, having been through this before, I thought cancer is not the enemy; we've done this before we can do it again. I asked when she was going back for surgery and was blown away by my fathers answer - we're not - it's already to far gone. As I sat there and tried to understand, I felt them coming burning behind my eyes and making my sinuses hurt. I forced them back to their hiding place and resolved I would not let this happen. We had done this before and we could do it again, if only they would fight. My mother in her sweet way took me in her arms as a fought her and held me until there was no fight left in me and I cried for her. She said she would try to be as strong as she could for us.

After that day, the feelings were officially turned off, disconnected completely and I was expecting the last bill at any moment. I watched her struggled to continue normal life, she still did the laundry, the ironing, the cleaning, cooking, baking, and all the other mom stuff housewives do. Gradually and consistently, the medication began to slow her down; she started taking naps in the afternoon. This progressed until she could hardly get out of bed. It was always worse after her treatments which she stayed over night for. I could never quite sleep those nights; I remember being 13 and being so tired. Then the addition happened, my father received a call from one of my uncles, my aunt had been diagnosed with leukemia. She was pretty far gone by the time they had figured out why she had been so tried and couldn't keep the colds away in the summer heat. She started treatments quickly and lost her battle after only 8 months.

This brought me back to reality, my reality the one I had been pushing farther and farther away. It came rushing back and hit me straight in the heart and I fell into the deepest hole I could find and stayed there, hiding from the world, my family, my friends, and truly the one person I should have been clinging to - my mother. I was going to lose her; she was not going to get better. So, I cut her off, I severed my heart from hers and became cold and numb to all feeling and emotion which could be described as caring. It would be easier this way ... when she leaves. These were the thoughts coursing though my veins as I watched my mother slowing die, disintegrate in to skin and bones, become the shell in which she would evaporate from up to the heavens and leave us behind. I had accepted this outcome when no one else had; everyone thought it was far too early to lose hope. I hadn't lost hope though, I had been taught by my parents that there was life after death and as long as I good I would see her again. However, this was faulty in its entirety because I am not and never will be perfect. Therefore, in my 14 year old mind, how could I ever live up to that? I felt punished by God for being the imperfect soul I was, he had abandoned me in the one time I needed him the most and he taking away my only real connection to him. How could a loving God, Heavenly Father do this? These were the subject of many questions I had that only he could answer and if he was real and in charge I wanted to ask him these questions face to face and I would wait until he called me home. In the meantime, I would close myself down, until that fateful day when I brought home a seemingly innocent CD home - 'North by Something Corporate'.