Weekly Appreciations ...

i love the smell of: white lilies. They are so fragrant and sweet. I like sweet smelling flowers, nothing overly strong – just nice and subtle. I love white flowers, they remind me of purity.

i love the sound of: simple songs. Just a boy, a guitar and his heart on the strings. It’s absolutely sweet hearing a boy pour out his heart and soul in songs. It inspires me to write my own down.

i love the taste of: cane sugar Root Beer. I love root beer in general, but some makers put way too much fizz in their mix. I found this new brew made by Boylan and it’s wonderful!

i love the feel of: my down comforter. It’s getting colder now, so I pulled out my down comforter last night to put on my bed. I love y bed in general, but with that on it, it’s just heavenly.

i love the sight of: a downpour rain storm. Lately, we have had a few rain storms at night. I love watching the rain. It’s so cleansing and powerful. I love sheeting rain – like when the wind is blowing just enough to put a slant on the pouring. I also love the sound and smell of rain.

Weekly Appreciations ...

i love the smell of: showering. I love showering in the morning, I love smelling clean and being clean. I know some people who don’t shower every morning and I can’t understand how they do it. A really great shower wakes me up and just starts my day off better!

i love the sound of: Parker Case. He is a multi-talented musician who I have been listening to for 5 years. He plays in Say Anything right now, but also has his own project called i and the universe. I first heard him in 2003 when he was part of JamisonParker. He plays the drums, guitar, bass, piano, sings and writes lyrics and music. He is truly multi-talented and I am jealous of his talents.

i love the taste of: Dr. Pepper. I don’t know what is in that stuff, but I love it. It’s probably ALL the Caffeine.

i love the feel of: a great hug given by a guy who cares about me. There’s something about having arms wrapped around you that belong to a guy who cares about you. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or not, as long as he truly cares about me.

i love the sight of: old married couples who still hold hands. I want a love that will last forever and this sight gives me hope that I will find it someday.

An Interview with Me!!

my name: Sherrilyn (Rylinn) Bunnage Carmichael
four words: Awesome! Musical! Organized! Intelligent!
state/city: Los Angeles, CA
favorite boy name: Riley David
favorite girl name: Kyra Janae
occupation: Administrative Assistant
something found in your kitchen: Cleaning Supplies
something you shout: Awesome!
something you look for in a guy: Honesty and Loyalty
something that is in your room: Yummy Smelling Candles
place to shop at: Restoration Hardware
name a band/artist: i and the universe / Parker Case

Right This Second –
I’m excited about: going home for the day
My Eyes are: are tired
I’m hoping: to get some sleep
I’m wearing: black and dark gray stripes
I taste: coconut and chocolate
I’m a little sad because: I’m still at work!

Weekly Appreciations ...

i love the smell of: fresh brewed coffee. Even though I don't drink it, I really love the scent, especially when it's flavored with Vanilla!

i love the sound of: acoustic guitar. There is something very soothing about the deep "hum" of acoustic guitar strings. I am learning to play and even my uneven and smashed up chords are somehow soothing and calming to me. I find I am NOT getting frustrated with it like I sometimes do!

i love the taste of: fresh bread with butter, real butter! I miss my dad's fresh bread from the bread maker. I also miss his waffles, he makes them so good! He serves them with chokecherry syrup, which he makes himself, and it is so good!!

i love the feel of: my bed after I've washed and changed the sheets. I have this feather bed under my sheets which makes me sink down into it.

** I know this is new, but I'm going to try to do this once a week/month so I remember all the good things which surround me!

A Future FULL of Possibilities and Promise ...

This was my Horoscope today …

“If you spend too much time thinking about your past mistakes, how can you focus on moving forward?Today, you need to put the boxing gloves away – because it’s time for you to stop beating yourself up!

No one remembers the things you did or didn’t do, so why on earth should you? Its one thing to learn lessons from errors you’ve made, but it is quite another to continually punish yourself. This is a fresh day, full of possibility and promise. Don’t waste it feeling regret.”

* * * * *The funny thing is, this morning before I read this, I was going over in my head all of my past mistakes and bad choices. I was considering the repercussions and consequences of those bad choices and mistakes. I just can’t seem to let them go, I continually let them decide how I go about my day/life. I still own ALL of them, even the ones which weren’t my choice. I’m having a hard time learning the lesson, sticking to it and letting go.

I want so badly to move on and let them go. I know they are the reason I am who I am, but do they need to completely define me and all my future decisions?

This is a fresh day, full of possibility and promise. Don't waste it feeling regret. How do I accomplish this major life altering task? Harder than it sounds!

Today, I will try harder to think about ‘how’ I make decisions and ‘how’ the consequences of those decisions will effect my future days/month/years.

I will let go and move on looking forward to my bright, clean future.

Good Luck to Me!!

This is Just Too Precious and So True .... How To Drive in L.A.

You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A.

The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L. A. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L. A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55- 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

And finally, why is the L.A. Freeway called the '405'? Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.

A Too True Assessment ...

Your Enneagram core type is POINT 8 - THE BOSS OR PROTECTOR
Early in life, Protectors learned to become strong and powerful by hiding their vulnerability.

They developed a toughness and forcefulness that allowed them to rely on their own instincts.

Control and dominance of their personal space, protecting the weak and innocent, and gaining respect by being strong are among the 8's highest values. People of this type appear armored, easy to anger, and confrontational at the slightest provocation. They are unaware of their intensity, tuning instead to their core friendliness, generosity and ability to energize others. 8's are great leaders, as long as you're on their side!

Strengths: Courageous, decisive, strong-willed, protective, loyal, powerful, action-oriented, assertive, fair, intuitive, energetic.

Challenges: Belligerent, blaming, defiant, bullying, impulsive, dictatorial when crossed, easy to anger, tendency to overindulge in food, drugs, etc.

Other types to consider: Your wings - Type 7 and Type 9 Your stress type - Type 5 Your security type - Type 2 Look-alike types - Type 1, Type 4, and Type 6

Finding your "center" is a first step toward understanding your Enneagram type.
The 9 personalities of the Enneagram are arranged within three triads or centers: the Feeling triad; the Thinking triad; and the Instinctive or Gut triad. Each triad contains three personality types that reflect the assets and liabilities of their triad, e.g., type 2 has particular strengths and weaknesses involving its feelings, hence its location in the Feeling triad. The 5's assets and liabilities involve thinking, which is why it's located in the Thinking triad…and so on for each of the types.

The elegance of this arrangement results from a kind of dialectic containing a thesis, antithesis and synthesis of the theme of each triad, so that one of the types over expresses the core attribute of the triad; one under expresses it; and the third is most out of touch with that aspect.
Because 8's are gut-based, they act from instinct, and tend to over-express anger. Forceful and aggressive by nature, they are extroverts who tend toward too much, too loud, too many.

Transformation of these aggressive tendencies occurs when 8's delay expressing their feelings (especially anger) so they can tune into their vulnerability. By acknowledging their intensity and its impact on others, they can gradually learn to moderate it. With greater calm, the 8's deeper feelings of tenderness can finally surface.

Take action: Watch out for unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. Work at validating, appreciating and recognizing other people's efforts. Notice your tendency to fight against dependency needs by controlling, manipulating, blaming, or maintaining a one-up position.

Instead, allow yourself to feel vulnerable and uncertain occasionally, just as we all do. Practice delaying spontaneous expressions of anger. In the gap, work on listening to other people's feelings and needs. Exchange control and dominance of your space and your relationships by negotiating clear boundaries that allow a win-win result. But watch for your urge to break rules or violate those boundaries as soon as they are made. Realize that sparring or arguing may turn you on, but it gets misinterpreted by non-8's in your life. You may need to teach those close to you to hold their ground and speak their truths when confronted by you.

Beware of excesses in your lifestyle and workstyle that can lead to exhaustion and alienation from others.

What a Crazy Dream ...

I have to write this down, it really freaked me out. It was really weird. It was a sensation like I couldn't wake up. I felt like I was conscious but wasn’t. I thought I could here my roommate Stacey saying things – “She’s having a seizure or something, she’s thrashing and won’t wake up.” "I can't get in, the door is locked."I could feel my arms moving and hitting the wall and I was kicking and trying to yell out Help! But I wasn’t making any noise, my mouth wouldn’t open and let out the sound though and my arms weren’t actually moving, it just felt like they were.

Somehow my door was locked or something because she said she couldn’t get in. I kept telling myself to “just wake up”, “just open your eyes”. I couldn’t though, it was like my brain was wide awake but my body couldn’t respond. It almost felt like what it would be like to be in a coma. When I did finally wake up, I woke up really slow. I didn’t believe I was awake. I woke up thinking about the dream and realizing that’s what it was because when the memory flooded my mind I had been in a bunk on a bus, a really small space. I laid there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings, I didn’t want to go back to sleep.

Now that I think about it, I have these claustrophobic dreams quite often; I just don’t always remember them. I have this one that is a recurring. I am in a room that is filled to capacity with either people or pillows or something I can’t tell what it is. I’m at the opposite end of the room from where the door is and I can’t get to the door. I try to move and I’m stuck in my place because I am crammed in so tightly, I can’t move. I get really high anxiety and really scared. Then I wake up, having never gotten to the door.

This is why I have never been to a concert and in movie theaters, I always sit at the very top. So I can see the door and the easiest exit route.

I just needed to write that ^^ down!
Wow! I really am crazy!

Truth is Not Your Forte

I’ve heard it all before, the lies that seem so true
You let me believe you, you made it so easy.
Your tender caress, your loving touch
Then you stopped, dead.
You stopped lying and talking altogether.

I shared my stories and my heartache,
You listened but never returned your own.
Oh, you had lots to say about my condition,
Never anything worth the breath it took to say.

I should have known then that you were fake.
It was only a few days but to me
It was a lifetime opened in to an abyss.

You tried so hard to be physical
Always used your hands not your words
While I poured out my heart, maybe to easy,
Your eyes were so kind and seemed so interested
Were you really or was that untrue too?

I should have known then that you were fake.
It was only a few days but to me ,
It was a lifetime opened in to an abyss.

I heard from friends that you are who you convinced me you weren’t
It’s funny, I don’t feel so stupid anymore,
It seems this is what you do, this lying for the fun,
I just wish I hadn't been fooled.

I should have known then that you were fake.
It was only a few days but to me
It was a lifetime opened in to an abyss.

Fake should be your middle name,
what’s even more fitting
Is how it rhymes with the one you were given.

Amy Lee says it best .....

Don't Try to Fix Me, I'm Not Broken!

I couldn't say it any simpler.

Daggers Slowly Cutting Me Up Inside and Out

Am I still the way I think I feel?
I’m wondering this now.
It seems less complicated now,
More surreal, less like reality.
More like the dream I keep having.
The dream I wanted to come true,
More than anything else.

How can I trust this new reality?
I’m staring at my new world
And I don’t recognize any of it.
I don’t know how I got here,
I can’t remember the steps.
Trust has never been my forte.

My worlds are colliding in my mind,
Balancing outside of me.
This is too real, too scary.
I’m finally getting what I’ve always wanted,
I just don’t know how.

Will it stay together and complete?
I fear not, it never has before,
The pieces always seem to come loose,
Apart and then lost.

The picture doesn’t stay the same,
Always changing, maybe that’s good.
I want to understand where my world is going.
I want to see the path before me,
All I can see is what’s behind,
Success and fortunate circumstances.

Mark Hoppus Wisdom ...

"The past is just the future with the lights on." --Mark Hoppus, +44, song 'Baby Come On'

Obsession

So, I think of you all the time, can’t seem to clear your image.
I wonder if you’d want to know me the way I want to know you.
It seems so crazy the way I obsess.
The voices keep you going, keep you alive.
Will they ever die, will you ever go away?

It keeps me from living, from breathing on my own.
Somehow, I’m still here even without you.
 Can you breathe without me?
Of course you can, I don’t affect you the same as you do me.


You haven’t seen me; you don’t know me at all.
You see, we’ve never met except in my head.
If we were in the same room, would you notice me at all?
I doubt it, I blend to easy, no different than all the rest.



I hope this doesn’t scare you, but I admire everything you do.
I wish I knew you, then, maybe I could get you out of my head.

Maybe you would disappear from my thoughts, my dreams.

Or maybe you’d love me.Maybe tonight when I dream, you won’t be there
and I can wake up happy, instead of in a state of
longing for someone I can't have -- could never have.

This is my Horoscope today ....

April 18, 2007

Aquarius (1/23-2/22)
One of your favorite older relatives is learning a new way of communicating with you, and the process may require a great deal of your patience! Help this family member along with encouraging words, and offer a few pointers on making the transition as seamless as possible. Also make sure to say how much you appreciate the extra effort that this person is expending simply in order to keep up with what is going on in your life.

....... I just invited my family to my blog -- How Creepy!!!!

Comment from my Dad --

"This is weird for me to. I have never signed onto a blog before. I am glad to finally hear from you. Tell me more about your schooling. I understand that it will be online. this is different."

** My Dad is so classic - I love hime to pieces!! ♥

Mark Ryden .... & .... Questionable Equations

This post is about a great artist I found through another blog I read, his name is Mark Ryden. He Is Amazing .... http://www.markryden.com/ eveyone should check it out.

Here is my favorite: http://www.markryden.com/paintings/index.html you have to click the links b/c all his work is copyrighted, of course!!

I Bought A New Camera ...

Here are some samples .....

I took this picture outside my office building, we have these lovely flower gardens which surround the building. They were just so pretty!












Here is another one I took .....
This I took at the Santa Monica Pier. There are so many beautiful plants and flowers there.
Do you see the Bee??











Here is one I took of the LA Temple ... I really like the angel on this one.
The LA Temple is such a beautiful building and the grounds are amazing .....
















This is the fountain ...















These are some of the Flowers .... Aren't these gorgeous?
















Pretty Cool Huh??

Update! ...

So it's been a while since I've written, I've been really busy and just haven't had time. I just set up a new way of doing this and I'm trying it out.

This is just an update on what's happening in my life, 'cause we all know how good I am at this. Two majors have changed: First, I moved to a new place with one roommate. My lease ended and the two girls I was living with went their separate ways, one got married and the other graduated and moved to San Francisco for a job. I was not interested in being responsible for the lease and getting new roommates, so I moved. It is only temporary, I have found a great place with even better roommates but I have to wait until the end of June to move in, so I found a sub-lease for the time being. Both are with LDS girls and much nicer than the place I was at and with cheaper rent!

Second: I found a better job and started March 26th, so I've been here a couple of weeks and it is already better. The position is NOT reception, YEAH!!!. We all know how much I love being on the phone, so this is much nicer. I am working for a Retail Shopping Mall development company called "Macerich". It is the second largest retail development company in the US, so the room for growth is enormous. I work in the environmental department as an Associate Assistant to the Manager of Environmental, I know long title but it’s a title. I actually have things to do --- All Day. At the last job, I was sitting waiting for the phone to ring because I was too efficient and they didn’t have enough work for me. The pay is great, $ 37,500.00 per year and room to move. There are also stock options, company shares, and great benefits, which kick in immediately, not like in Canada where you have to wait your 3-6 months probation period. So Nice!!

I’ve also started socializing with the Single Group here. They’re a nice group and I’ve actually made some new friends. This has been a little weird, having to go back out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. I’ve never considered myself as shy but in this situation, I just wait it out until I have almost become a hermit, then I go, put myself smack in the middle of it and go completely crazy. I’m really going to try not to do that this time and just be myself, ‘cause I’m a pretty great girl.

Any way, that’s what’s happening here. The weather is beautiful, a little overcast today, but still warm.

Oh, I finally bought a laptop, it’s a Toshiba Satellite and an All-in-one printer/scanner and I’m finally starting online school in May. YEAH!!!!!! My paycheck allows me to pay for it as I go.
Things are coming together and it’s all good.

Life from my Vantage Point

I want more out of this life I'm livin',
I need a change, happiness can't find me here.
I'm tired of being sad, of always being down,
How can this be all I have to offer,
How can this be all I get to be.

There's more out there for me -- I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.

When I look back from this point,
I know where I've grown, but into what?
I see where I've been, steps I've taken,
The circles I've been around & 'round,
Mistakes made, lessons learned,
But where have they gotten me?

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.

The tears keep comin' in the dark, in the light,
Still, I don't know why they're here.
It's been so long since you left to your new life,
Left me behind - here all alone with out a clue
how to live, how to love, how to go on.

There's more out there for me - I can feel it,
I just can't find it, I just can't see it,
I want more, I need more.
More than you got.

I'm trying so hard .....

..... to keep up with writing every day (or other day), but it's so hard without my own computer.

I'm not doing very well on the missionary schedule, which I haven't even started yet. This morning I got up at 6:30am and got to work at 8:00am -- a whole 1/2 an hour early. It's better than getting there at 8:25am like usual (I start at 8:30am). It was nice to have a few minutes to myself before taking the phone off night ring and starting my so-called day. Alas, I have nothing to really do today as Rick (my supervisor) isn't here. He and I had a conversation yesterday regarding my lack of tasks to keep me busy. He is trying to come up with some new things so I'm not bored. I get things so quickly that he, or anyone else in the office, can't keep up with me.

So I thought -- why not enter a blog --

I am doing well with reading the Book of Mormon though, I should give myself some credit. I have been reading on the way to work and home from work on the bus ride. I have 1/2 hour in the morning and 1 - 1 1/2 hours on the way home. I'm reading about 3 chapters a day and I started in Mosiah, which I don't think I have ever read on my own. Even in Seminary and Institute, I never read on my own, I only read in class. I've never studied the Book of Mormon or any of the scriptures. So now is as good a time as any.

On to new subjects -- I am moving in April to a new home,my current roommates are both moving out because the lease is done and Rachel is getting married and Jen is graduating and moving to Berkeley. The new place is closer to work and much nicer than the place I'm in now. My room is a great sized room with my own FULL bathroom and my own heater, double closets. It has new carpets and nicely painted walls, a new kitchen, is on a QUIET street -- no more Fire trucks at 3:00am-- and with roommates my age -- YEAH!!!!!

Their names are Heather and Joy, Heather is a member and Joy is still thinking about it, she is trying to find a Christian Church to join where she feels welcome and a part of the congregation. I don't know if she has actually been to church with Heather, but maybe when I get there we can go together. Also, I think I may change wards and go with Heather to the family ward she attends. She says their are a group of single adults in her ward and that would be so nice to finally make some friends who are keepers.

I'm going to the Dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned and get my filling re-done. Also going to get X-Rays to find out how much it will cost to get my wisdom teeth removed. I'm hoping they can just pull them instead of having to put me under. I might still go to see a Dentist I have in my ward, Dr. Alex Mathiessen, he is with UCLA Dental Care and he might be able to just extract them for me. We'll see what happens, I just really want them out !!!!

That's all for now --

R

Profound Moments . . . .

I thought I might recall some of my more profound comments from this blog (Andrew's Blog) which got me started on my own blog. These entries are important because I related so well to this guy. He is a singer in a favorite band of mine and he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (Cancer) in August of 2005. I used his blog in a sense as therapy for dealing with my own mother's battle and eventual loss to Breast Cancer when I was 16 yrs. old in 1989.

Here are some of my comments . . . .

August 2, 2005 --
It always amazes me how we can find out just how strong we really are when faced with such challenges. I was just listening to ‘Bruised’ and I may have a new favorite, it’s weird though, I had the blog site stream on in the background and it seemed to fit as background noise. It gave me some chills :)

I agree about the world around us being in constant circular motion, funny thing is it never stops for us to catch up. I always thought the title ‘Everything In Transit’ meant the transition our lives go through as it changes with or without our knowledge or permission. Everything sometimes seems to end up completely opposite of where we would want it until we are there, in the thick of it, and realize this is where we should have been headed all along.
I know, a very long thought, 'but it’s true, for the most part'.

August 13, 2005 --

There are a few comments here requesting you write a book, well I agree; although, I think it should be a book of poetry. The way you put words together in a sentence is pure eloquence. There is so much said using so little words, what you say indirectly is easily conveyed.
It seems you are coming around a very long bend in this road you are on and the sun is shining and sky is clearing. The warmth is enveloping you and the smiles are true. Enjoy this feeling of triumph, for it will only get stronger as your body starts to heal and once again work properly. It is true, these trials in our lives can hold us down if we let them, the trick, however, is to not. For every bad and negative experience, the lessons can be 100 fold if we embrace them and learn what we can. I know you know this; it is evident in yours words and presentation. Keep this attitude; it is what makes you strong.

Your words have inspired me greatly, more than I can convey.

December 21, 2005 --
Oh, the sound of a humming dryer, it is glorious and somewhat transfixing. You can slowly go into a wonderful trance while listening to a dryer do its work. The scent of the drying clothes is quite mind numbing as well.

The holidays are my favorite and least favorite time of year. Living in Calgary, Alberta, we get extremely cold weather, so winter 'anything' is not a favorite. However, this year, it seems we may have a brown Christmas with temperatures above freezing. It’s absolutely marvelous. If I haven’t been completely clear --- I abhor cold weather, snow, ice and wind chills. I don’t know if anyone really enjoys these elements of our atmosphere, some just tolerate it better than I do.
Christmas is a great excuse to spend real time with family and friends you don’t get to see very often. Not that we should need an excuse, but it’s a great one. I’m lucky this year in that I don’t have to travel very far.

Plastic trees are the best, you can have them up longer then real ones and there aren’t any needles to clean up later. Did you know they have plastic trees scented with evergreen now?? This seems crazy and cool at the same time. Mine is plastic with White lights,and Silver and clear decorations.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This is just something my friend Kya Woodruff forwarded to me and I thought he might enjoy and appreciate --

“Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough"

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom"

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?"
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said.

"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?" She began to smile "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory --
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye." She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE..... I WISH YOU ENOUGH...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This is Just Too Funny . . . .

Catching Up .....

So, I guess I’m not doing very well with this writing everyday thing. I always have been bad at it.

Any way, life goes on.

Since my last entry, several things have happened. First and foremost, I moved to Los Angeles, California finally. I live in West Hollywood and work in Santa Monica, which isn’t as far as you might think seeming how they are two cities within the city of LA. I work about a half hours drive from home on a good traffic day. I work at an Architectural Consulting firm as a Project Administrator, which is really a glorified receptionist. Some days it’s great, others, not so much. (It’s weird every time I use the phrase – “not so much” I think of the show ‘Mad About You’ and Paul Riser – thought I would put that silly little tidbit in there). I’ve been there a month and I feel as if I don’t much yet and they don’t trust me with any actual responsibility. Hopefully that changes and soon; I don't what I’ll do if it doesn’t, it pays really well and it has potential if they would just utilize my skills and strengths. My fellow co-workers are pretty nice but it seems they are cautious; my position has had 4 girls in it in the past year and 3 of them were temps so they haven’t really welcomed me into the fold, so to speak.

Any way, life is good most days, I haven’t really made any lasting friendships, but I also haven’t really tired. I go to the UCLA ward in the chapel behind the LA Temple. It’s very nice living so close to the Temple and no I haven’t taken full advantage to being so close. My ward is a combination of young married and first year UCLA students. Our Bishop (Loveless) is a great man. It’s weird I don’t really fit in there, but feel completely out of place in the family ward, but I keep going. It’s not the people; it’s the spirit I’m looking for. I’ve started reading the missionary handbook – ‘Preach My Gospel’. I’m going to try living as if I were a missionary with those same standards. I realize I should already be doing this, but I haven’t, so my making a game of it. My schedule will only change slightly but the contents of said schedule will be very different. I’m going to try to get up earlier so I can say my prayers, workout out at least ½ hour and then study the handbook with the scriptures, have breakfast, then get ready for work, go to work, come home, have dinner, and then study some more before going to bed. I think if I surround myself with good works and thoughts, it will make being righteous easier – I hope. I still have a hard time with it because I’m not doing everything I can and in my power like I promised I would. Things get out of control so fast sometimes that I don't catch myself until it's almost too late and I don't want that to happen again.

I also have selfish reasons -- I want a relationship with a man, I want to get married again, in the Temple, and I feel like I won't have the opportunity unless I am being the kind of girl (woman) that worthy LDS men want. I need to be who I want. Does that make sense??

Enough for now ; )
R

Wow ! What a Weekend

I have never done so much in two days, except for maybe the Utah trip.

I’ll start on Friday – I went in to my temp assignment for my last day and was given the “go home” because there was nothing to do. So I went home and tried to go back to sleep for a few hours knowing I would have a tiring weekend. Got a few extra hours and then I packed. Jeanette picked me up at 5:00pm and we drove to Cardston; we got there in record time - only 2 hours. We stayed with Brad’s sister, who lives across the parking lot from the Temple.

Jeanette and I went for a walk to the Temple grounds and chatted about all the crap that had been going on – all the temptation and bad feelings from the adversary. When we came back to the house, Brad and Joel arrived shortly after. Brad gave me a blessing to calm my nerves and just really give me some peace. At around midnight, I went out and sat on a bench in front of the Temple and enjoyed the beautiful night God had provided me – it was absolutely calm and clear – no wind at all. I got about 2 hours of sleep sporadically and was woken up at 5:00am by Brad’s mom, who was getting ready to start her day at the Temple (she works there).

Saturday: So the actual Temple Experience wasn’t as scary or as fast as I expected it to be. As I went through my washing and anointing, I really felt I was ready to make and keep these covenants with my Heavenly Father. I really felt forgiven for all the things I've done and I felt clean for the first time in a long time. I walked in to the beginning of the session and everyone was waiting for me. Christine, Dad, and Gail came and sat with us. It was so good to see Christine there, I wasn’t sure she would show up with all the stuff we still have to get through. The session was pretty straight forward - it was about the creation – just deeper and more information about it. It made so much more sense than ever before. When I came through the veil, they made sure all my family and friends were already through. It was so amazing it experience that, it really felt as if I was coming home.

Then after, we did some sealing’s for Jeanette’s family, this was really cool. I was a proxy for two of the daughter’s of her family. Daryl Nilsson, my old high school teacher, and Bishop / Stake President was the Sealer. We ran into Carol Nilsson and Inger Schaufert in the change room on the way to have lunch in the Cafeteria. After that, we went and saw Grandma Bunnage and Aunt Sybil at the Cardston Villa’s. Cousin Linda and her family were there as well, I haven’t seen her in 12 years; her family has grown so much she has 6 kids now.

After all that, we went to the Distribution Center and bought my garments, and then we went to the Bookstore and Brad bought me a LA Temple recommend case. Then we drove back to Strathmore to Jeanette's for a BBQ. Joel drove me home at 12:30 am.

Sunday: Joel & I had quite the discussion on Saturday night; he basically said he still has feelings for me and it makes it really hard because I don’t feel that way about him. He can’t provide for himself, let alone for a family. Maybe those are silly reasons but they are very important factors right now. I don’t expect perfection but the effort has to be there and I don’t even see that. He is a great guy. Maybe some day he will be the guy I want, but he has some challenges ahead of him. His testimony is so weak, he said he felt like he was talking to a brick wall when he prays – what do I say to that?? I can’t give him his testimony.

Sometimes I think he feels like if he could only have me, all his problems and issues would go away but I don’t have that kind of power. I don’t want him to depend on me like that. I can’t give him his salvation and redemption; he has to put in the effort himself. I feel bad every time I say these things to him, I feel like he wants me to solve his problems and I can’t be the solution. He needs to have these things resolved before he tries to bring something new into his life.

Marriage is a huge deal and I know he doesn’t realize this from what he says. It isn’t just about commitment, it’s about being ready and satisfied with yourself and he isn’t there yet.
Anyway Enough for now.
R

Oh My Goodness ... What Craziness

Good Morning,

To say I'm exhausted is an absolute understatement.

Friday night, I finally got to sleep at 5:30am'ish and was awake at 8:44am. Carla and James, who live downstairs, had a yard sale. I put in my Vacuum Cleaner and my Black night side shelve and got $55.00, not bad! ! ! Then in the afternoon, Christine and I spent a few hours with Kyra. I hadn't seen her since Brody's blessing in April 2005. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I expected. I finally told her I was moving and she was so quiet in her reaction. She said she wasn't angry, just really sad that I was leaving Calgary. She asked if she could come visit me, I said she would have to wait until she was 16 yrs. and then her Dad and I would talk about it. We went for lunch and went shopping a little at Market Mall. I bought her a shirt from Old Navy and Christine bought her a diary. I think she had fun, I know I did.

After we took her home, Christine told me she couldn't be my Escort at the Temple. Apparently, she had told me in our conversation on Monday night, but I thought she had changed her mind on Tuesday morning when she called me back at 7:30am. Anyway, I'm going to ask Jeanette if she will, I really wanted her in the first place but didn't want to insult Christine.

My sister has caused me more problems than anyone else involved in this. First, she couldn't come when had it planned so I was going to change the date, then she changes her mind about that, except now she wants me to change the time to accommodate her. You would think that this event would be important enough that she would work around me and not the other way around. Oh well, at this point who ever shows up, I'll be happy, Joel is still going to drive me down if I want. I'm calling Jeanette this morning to see what her plans are because I think she is going down on Friday and staying in Lethbridge. That would make everything much easier - the trip in the morning would be a lot shorter and I could go at 10:30am - accommodating Christine's plans. Speaking of which, last night I went to see President Miller and had our little chat and I'm good to go - both signatures. My home teacher and his wife (Jon and Dana Adams) took me up to the Stake Center. I've always really liked Dana, she and I can relate to each other and that is always nice. Also, I sang "Oh, My Father" in Relief Society for Karen Raymer's lesson, about Eternal Marriages. It went surprisingly well, considering I perfected it after sacrament meeting. I shook so bad by the end of the song, I could barely stand. I managed to keep my composure at the end of the 3rd verse - "I've a mother there". I'm so happy we made the last verse the key change, I can compose my self better in the higher ranges.

The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride - up and down, back and forward.

Yesterday morning, while getting ready for church, I was self - talking myself out of going to the interview, let alone my temple date. I almost had I myself convinced that life would be easier without the Lord in my life. I should correct myself here and say - Satan almost had me convinced. I really need to stop owning what he says in my head as mine - it is not mine. It’s hard to know and decipher what’s mine and what isn’t, because it’s all in my head and he wants me so bad.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Progress ...

Well, it's been a few weeks now and some things have changed.

I'm moving on September 9, 2006 instead of October 28, 2006. I just didn't see any reason to stay for 6 weeks and have nothing to do. I'm going to the Temple on September 2, 2006 with Dad, Gail, Christine, Jeanette, Brad, Joel and maybe a few others. I'm so excited to finally be here in this place of peace with myself and my actions. I have written Riley a letter and one for Dave - Mailed them Today.

I'm going to visit Kyra on Saturday with Christine - I'm expecting a lot of hard questions from her. I will try to explain why I can't be the full time Mother she wants me to be and maybe give her some closure. I want her to happy with the family she's got because they're great and Erin is a wonderful mother and she needs to let her be that with her.

I feel good about my decisions and where I am now compared to where I was even a few weeks ago. I feel like I've finally made the commitment to keep getting better and progressing forwards instead off falling back so far that I need to start over.

It's interesting, I've had an epiphany of sorts - every time I'm feelings down and unworthy -- it's not me creating those feelings -- it's Satan and his team. He is trying so hard to keep me from where I need to be and he knows how to make me feel in order to succeed in his goals.

I hope I remember this the next time I have those feelings.

My Current Goals .....

So yesterday, last night and this morning while waiting to get up, I couldn't get all the things I need to do out of my head. So I decided I need to make an official list. So here it is:

1. I will to pay my debts.

2. I will be strong against temptation.

3. I will to save some money for my move at least $500.00.

4. I will deal with my anger management issues - I'm on the road with taking the YWCA Group sessions and Dr. Tingle.

5. I will to pay my tithing, every pay check.

6. I will get my passport to take with me.

7. I will read before praying and going to bed at night.

8. I will read the Miracle of Forgiveness instead of watching TV until I'm finished reading it.

9. I will work out in the morning or at night for at least 20 minutes.

10. I will eat healthy everyday - not matter what.

You can do these things, because you are stronger than you feel. God will help you if you ask him.
I think these are achievable goals if you really put your mind to it.

No Real New Developments

On Monday, I went to see Dr. Tingle, it was an awesome session. It is so nice to have someone who understands my reasons for leaving Kyra and Riley with their dads. Unlike my family, she doesn’t think I am selfish and self-serving. She agrees with dad about writing letters to try to explain why I left them and why I don’t keep in better contact. So I wrote two letters and we will go over them again next session, then I will send them. This is kind of scary, but it will be so good to know they will, at the very least, have something of an understanding of why. They will at least know I loved them and wish I could be better.

We also talked about my temper issues and better ways to control myself, instead of trying to control situations and other people involved. I’ve always realized that I need to control me and not everything (one) else around me. She suggested an Anger Management group to go to, so tonight I have an information session. I think it would be awesome to get this under “control” before I leave, it will make the transition so much easier. It will also make me a nicer, more pleasant person to be around.

New Subject: My job is still going well, but I’ve been slacking a little and it was noticed. So I have to get back to focusing better and working at work. I’m still ahead of the game though, so I think I’m still good to go about my contract being extended until I leave, provided there is enough work to keep me busy.

That’s all for now,

R

Things are Going My Way

So, on Saturday, I finally called Uncle Mike and asked him if I could say with him until I find a place of my own. He said he would be happy to help me out and I could stay as long as I needed to. I don’t know why I was so scared to call him, but now that it is done, I feel so much better. I just filled out my application for a passport, which I hope I can get up here. It will be so much easier to already have it and not have to worry about it.

Uncle Mike also said there are a lot of jobs in downtown LA and that business is booming there, so I shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a job. YEAH ! ! !

Anyway, life seems to be going really well right now, I hope it stays that way for a while.

Dad wants me to write a letter to Riley and Kyra before I go to the Temple and before I leave. I think this is a good idea, I just don’t know what to say to them. Dad thinks I need to apologize to them, but I’m not sure that is what they need to hear. I don’t want to imply any promises, because I want to keep them where they are. Riley will most likely understand this better than Kyra, because he hasn’t seen or heard from me since he was 3 years old; Kyra has. I know she wants promises and so does Ian, but I’m not willing to comply too his conditions.

Anyway, tonight, I’m going to see Dr. Tingle again, so I will discuss this with her and get her insight and help. I’m not sure how to put my true feeling into nice terms so it doesn’t to more demand than it already has.

Enough for now,

R

New Post for a New Year?

Good Morning,

Not really sure where this is going yet, but here goes .... I decided to start this journal, partly 'cause it's the only site my work hasn't blocked and it's easier here than anywhere else. We'll see if I keep it up better than my Paper Journal !!

I need a place to write all the crap in my head so I can think a little clearer and fit more crap in, I guess.

Today, I'm feeling ancy, I'm finally getting really excited to move to LA. I booked my flight with WestJet on Wednesday -- I leave on Saturday, October 28, 2006 at 11:10am and get there at 13:38 pm - who knew it was such a short flight. I still haven't called my Uncle Mike, who I want to stay with while I'm there or at least until I find a place on my own and get a job. The goal is to call him this weekend sometime - but I keep putting it off 'cause I'm scared. I haven't spoken to him since Mom died and that was about 17 years ago. What a crazy thought by it self, it feels like it wasn't that long ago.

Memories of Youth . . . .

Today, I’m feeling sad, and I’m not having a very good day.

First, I woke up late because my alarm was turned down somehow, so instead of waking up at 5:30 am, it was 6:20am and I’m supposed to leave for work at 6:45am. So this left me with 25 minutes to get ready including a shower. Somehow I made it to work on time. This didn’t start my day off very well and I’m very tired, I didn’t sleep very well last night, who knows why, just didn’t. I’m even having a hard time collecting my thoughts, at time point, to write this.
Second, now I’m sitting here at work and I have nothing to do but think about how boring the day will be. I’m not looking forward to this because my mind keeps falling to Andrew McMahon. He is going into the hospital today for a preparation for a Bone Marrow Transplant. He will have the surgery in the end of August; I can’t help worrying about him. I have so many negative experiences with this disease, he, however, is being amazingly positive about this.

In his blog yesterday, he was focusing on the album being released and how that chapter of his life is finally coming to an end. He is looking forward to the response of this collection of music. He was talking about how the world spins and continually turns and comes back to itself leaving us wondering how we got to where we are.
“It's amazing to watch how this world is constantly moving in circles. Giving and taking and giving back again. That’s what ‘everything in transit’ is about, the constant motion of this world. In a lot of ways these past few months have reminded me of that motion.”
He really is an inspiration to all those, including me, who have the blessing of having him share this part of himself. I truly have not been affected by a singer/songwriter before. I mean music has always been very important to me but his words and the way his melodies work just change me.